two years down

well, i did it: i have successfully defended my master's thesis, submitted it to the graduate school, and am now just patiently waiting for confirmation that it has been formatted correctly and that i will indeed receive my degree at the imaginary graduation ceremony on august 19th (imaginary because they no longer hold an actual summer ceremony, it's just a date on the academic calendar). and i must say, while i don't love the paper (i'm told no one likes their MA thesis), it feels FANTASTIC to have this project completed after two years of work.


and a whirlwind of a two years it's been! here i sit in the oxford starbucks, where i wrote most of the papers that were mooshed into my thesis, feeling like i've come full circle in a way. with this chapter almost closed, i'm moving on to the next chapter, in which i will play the parts of adjunct instructor at miami's hamilton campus, law school and PhD program applicant, independent researcher, conference-attending nomad, and independent woman. at 25 i am living on my own for the very first time, navigating a now-familiar town that nevertheless feels a little different with my closest miami friends relocated elsewhere. i have many more quiet moments than i've ever been afforded, but while i thought i'd feel antsy living alone i have actually been relishing the time to myself. the frequent visits with nearby friends (and chats with far-away ones) and the fact that i do my best work in coffee shops, with the buzz of human beings almost drowned out by my iPod (but not quite, an important distinction), help stave off whatever pangs of loneliness i might have felt otherwise. oh, and having miss ruby around sure helps too. i think this year on my own will be one of my best years yet, as i learn how to savor the time to myself, to listen to the quiet voice of intuition, and to appreciate the wonderful people in my life all the more.


i have learned an important lesson in recent months -- really, relearned a lesson i never should've forgotten. and the lesson is to listen to myself when my heart has something to say, to stay connected to my soul through the things i find most fulfilling. (no, i will not apologize for the flower-child language. another lesson a friend has helped me learn is to stop apologizing for things not worthy of apologies.) i let go of a little of what i loved over the last few years, in a series of what i thought were reasonable compromises. but ever since i recommitted myself to living a fulfilling life sometime early this year, i feel like a whole person again, like someone who's maybe a little fucked up (who isn't?), but who doesn't want to waste a single moment of this all-too-short life being less than engaged in every moment. if i take the time to make my own life meaningful for me, i can become a much better companion to others. this is important.


to take a page out of an oxford friend's playbook (or, rather, her blog), here are some of the things that have restored, and are restoring, my soul:


- long, long walks in the woods
- long, long walks anywhere else outdoors that wouldn't qualify as a woods
- being outdoors as much as possible
- being convinced that every single sunset is more unbelievably breathtaking than the one before (and savoring memories of enjoying those sunsets with like-minded folk)
- not wearing shoes
- being rained on unexpectedly, which inspires a smile that's hard to shake
- reading and writing in coffee shops
- my french press
- mood-/thought-themed playlists on my iPod
- hot showers fueled by maximum-volume iPod playlists
- the prospect of a bright future if i'm committed to working hard enough for it
- imagining what my life might be like in each new place i explore (virtually or physically) in the lead-up to law school and PhD applications (latest obsession: ann arbor)
- ruby's penchant for snuggling so very close, especially in the morning when she can tell i'm awake "for real" and that it's therefore safe to attack me with affection
- cheese (yeah, it's that simple)
- road trips
- planning my next research project
- learning to love red wine (it's practically health food, err, drink, after all)
- checking items off my mental bucket list (i've had a lot of fun with that one!)
- spending time with family and friends who have accepted/supported my decisions and cared only for my happiness, even in moments that might've been confusing to them
- relishing the fact that i have the best siblings in the universe
- feeling confident that i am capable of learning how to make use of my choices (including even -- especially -- the misguided ones) in the ongoing effort to become a little bit more compassionate, empathetic a human being each day






currently listening to: a playlist i made yesterday, which includes songs by mason proper (in love!), the RHCP, rilo kiley, paul mccartney, semisonic, and blue oyster cult


"time is the essence /time is the season / time ain't no reason / got no time to slow / time everlasting / time to play b-sides / time ain't on my side / time i'll never know / burn out the day / burn out the night / i'm not the one to tell ya what's wrong or what's right / i've seen signs of what (freezing their eyes) went through"


"dark-stained wooden table / i'll breathe when i am able / for now, i'll hold it in / with all of my / disembodied and / unassociated sounds of departure / for the night / and finally breathing pitch black until / i had emptied out the till / heard the tires squeal / but you won't, right? / i swore to myself / last time was the last time / i swore to myself / last time was the last time / in past lives i was wealthy / so probably unhappy / oh, i'm so glad i died / i travel from point A to point B to point C / trying to lose more points along the way / to get lower / i travel from point A to point B to point C / trying to fall from grace along the way / to get lower and lower and lower" (mason proper, "point A to point B")